Morpheus, god of dreams

MORPHEUS, GOD OF DREAMS

Time, my Mother said,
is very strange.
Time and space,
I replied.

The circle of life,
like singing,
row row row your boat,
is about time, she said.

It is about how life is. She went on,
and also about the time after life.
We sang that song
at Papa’s funeral.

You will be a little bird
on my shoulder
I told her.
I hoped that it
would be so.

Yesterday was six years
to the day, since
I brought her home from
the nursing home.

She told me that
these years have been
the happiest years
of her life.

She is accustomed
to being an invalid.
She finds pleasure
in small things.

I live vicariously
through you.
She tells me
every week.

So I bring home stories
every day, to fill
her mind with thoughts
other than the hard work
of dying.

But time is running out.
This is the moment
before I administer
her first dose of Morphine.

And I linger here,
writing, stupefied by
the task ahead of me.
But I must not tarry,
else the pain will
get ahead of her….

Morpheus, God of Dreams,
be gentle. Do not sweep
her away ahead of the
perfect moment.
Let time be unto itself.

And now this, this
is the moment after.
She lies, rosy cheeked,
the Queen in her
Queenly bed.

The red wool blanket
tucked neatly under
the folded sheet beneath
her chin.

She is propped by small baby pillows
from every direction.Padding her
tiny body, supporting
her grey head beneath the canopy.

I grasp her hand in mine.
Holding hands, her soft skin,
the bent and boney fingers
clutch mine as if to stay.

Tears sting behind my lids.
Her forehead always smells sweet
as I tenderly kiss her.
My Mother. My child.

And I retreat to my pen.
Words flow, and I still wonder,
if they spring up from the page or
out from the pen.

Thoughts, like time,
are very strange.
Time and space
and life, and the time
after life.

Row row row your boat
gently down the stream
merrily merrily merrily merrily
life is but a dream.

DJR

Posted in Observations | 1 Comment

precipice

This brisk dailiness
fullsome and quenching
teeters now by some edge

Of unknown distance
vapid terrors taunt
my muscular resistance

this willful optimism
is not the ostriches head
in the dust

This is my power
It is the strength
that courses in my veins

Pure distilled optimism
liquid courage
the very air I breathe

And yet to catch my breath
in mid sip
leaves my lungs unslaked

An incompleted yawn
the yen that will not
desist obsesses

In that space
that is where
the cold slips in

shivering through my
sunshine
doubt lurks in darkness

Push push push it back
gulping gorging
with each sweet breath

Open my eyes
let in the light
the food of my heart

Think forward past
every dread
to the clear sunlight

Beat bright my heart
joyful music
gratefulness and certainty

DJR

Posted in Observations | Leave a comment

The Hard Work of Dying

photo-90

Will you hold my hand when I die?
I asked her when I was very young.
Just beginning to struggle with the notion of death.
Will you hold my hand?

Now, the distance between us ebbs and flows,
Such is dying.
Scarcely does the pendulum swing,
than this deepest act of love grows harder.

Like so many heavy bundles of bundling,
to be carried through deep snow, humid air
and up crags and rocks
like the painful twinning of another’s pain and one’s own release.

Slowly,
slow in the way that thought peels away from dreaming
in time to fall, head aching, into the pillow.
Longer.

Every wound dabbed,
lovingly bandaged,
fretted over,
remembered in sleepless ether,
fretted again and again and again.

The wretchedness of wishing away precious time.
regretting selfish moments like this one.
lifting pen from page to run fretfully

back into the room, it’s droning,
overheated and bright, just to find her
bent over, silent and still.
That second, the blank wonder,
Mommy? She sits up, dazed by pain.

Incredible years pass.
Years and years of dying.
Over and over again,
heart wrenched from the chest
in the agony of loss, to be carefully tucked
back under blouse, for another day.

And one morning, after receiving special discounts
at the checkout in the grocery store,
I look in the rear view mirror, and see the signs.
The hard work of dying takes it’s toll.

It reaches past it’s victim,
death’s icy fingers creep into the pockets of every loved one, robbing each.
Just small things at first, but eventually taking away light,
small bits of optimism, lilting song, and even some of the laughter.

And yet….the discipline…begets jewels, unknown to those
for whom the sacrifice is not possible.
I would not trade my choice. I would live it all again.
With deepest breath, revived, my strength is new.

Here, I must end. For now, the caring is all.
To live every day and hour in such a way
as to mitigate regret and to magnify love. It is a spiritual practice.
To hold her hand now, is the greatest gift.

~DJR

Posted in Observations, Ponderings | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Tó-Sceádan

IMG_0204

Tó-Sceádan
-scádan; p. -scéd, -sceád pp. -sceáden.
I. to divide in two, separate one thing from another.
Bosworth -Toller Anglo-Saxon Dictionary
__________________________________________________
For Pippa~

We two, like one,
one upon four legs and one upon two
We two, like one.

Our eyes look in
inward into each other
like two, as one

No sound or soundlessness
needs speak the thoughts
of we two together.

Paw in hand
brow to brow
in deep conversation

Thinking at each other,
and gazing inward together
pondering over love.

And now, tó-sceádan,
You are here inside me
but not beside me.

Breathless I cry out,
the wrenching pain
of your going, leaves me sceád.

Alone and alone now,
pining for the rest of me
to appear again beside my side.

Halved by halves
our own heart
torn in two.

Beloved, loved one
dearest heart between us,
my own, my one

Wait for me
at the garden gate
where I will meet you again.

~DJR

Posted in Old English, Portraits, Worldly Things | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Mægen-byrðenn

IMG_1900

mægen-byrðenn
~A mighty burden

Morphological Analysis
Wordclass: Noun
Gender: Feminine
-Bosworth-Toller Anglo-Saxon Dictionary
—————————————-

This mægen-byrðenn, undertaken
from a fragile morality
a hopeful idealism

weighs with the weight
of walking through mires
the weight of boots of stone

the legs grow sinewy and hard
from the walk
the brow furrowed

walking in the furrows
like the tread of beasts
in the yoke

This mægen-byrðenn, sweet
like the bliss of angels
like the gifts of fruits and sunshine

gathers it’s own weight
measured and tied
substantial and knowable

slow and kindly it sits
patiently waiting
to be lifted

it is wise
and deeply intuitive
the byrðenn is itself, a teacher

This mægen-byrðenn, lays down
a cloth of good wool before me
and begs me take my ease

take off the boots that weigh me down
relax my fretsome brow
rest the heart that heaves

the byrðenn sits beside me
like an old friend
ken to ken

we sit awhile now
as time passes
with life in tow

~D FitzRyan

Posted in Observations, Old English, Ponderings | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

I am Ó Ruaidhín

photo-90

Ó Ruaidhín – ‘descendant of the little red one’
~Gaelic

I am Ó Ruaidhín, ‘descendant of the little red one’.
O to be, that ephemeral moment, so fleeting.
A daughter, irascible and unmade.
Conjurer,  devisor,  sphinx.

A wailer of wails. A delver, a foundling.
Conceived in a mountain meadow,
like the dragonfly who skims the water
on the hot august afternoon.

O to manifest else than face and form.
To breath the same air as was breathed before.
Still piquant with the green smell of mown hay.
To drink the same cold water from the beck, a thousand times over.

To dance the dance of kin,
Knee deep in frothy mosses,
to court with Druids and
cavort with reckless abandon.

Indeed here, now
All that was contrived for show is swept away.
Red lipstick and shredded linen.
Dirty feet, and a pick axe.

Here, the wedding bed. The heaving larder.
Here, the work made light and gay.
A pot of soup.  Hot bread.
The old crow in the tree.

Yet a child. Still waiting,
to discover of flesh and blood,
what was never lost to memory.
What never was will never be,

But for this poem’s long finish
to remember me by, I was not,
could not, and yet am, of blood and bone descended,
a beggar child, bastard queen, unknown,
except by my own force of will.

I am Ó Ruaidhín ‘, descendant of the little red one’.

~D.FitzRyan

Posted in Didactics, Observations, Old English, Portraits | Tagged , , , , , | 1 Comment

Ode to the Flea Market

IMG_0057
In the dark, we wake. Groggy from wine, the dark of the morning is softened by the dewey summer fog. In thirty minute’s time, we must depart.

Donning no outfit but sensible shoes and a rakish combination of ill thought out bits, hot tea in hand, we drive out the road, over ridges and welts bent on tipping over our cups onto our laps.

The old volvo rattles us, in hot pursuit of treasure! wheeling down the road, through village after village. Fishing out a twenty, (hard won cash, due at the gate for we hungry early entries) I tuck into my tea in haste, every honey soaked drop, a lubricant to my honest ingenuity.

Close to the market, the road is a blur of turning headlights. No one in their right mind would try to drive strait past. There is probably a fee for not going. Elephant’s Trunk avoidance fee, $20. cash. No breakfast.

We slide easily into our favorite row. The one which turns left and strait out onto route 7 south. Makes for an easy getaway later. Truthfully, we must park on the same spot, about once every three visits. Law of averages, when you arrive within the same 2 minute window of time, every week, Just like all the rest of the dreamers, parched and starving for a fix.

$20. bill in hand, whipping on or off some sweater, depending on the coolth or degree of humidity. Is it the Candlewood lake syndrome, or just the Housatonic river raising such a mist every Sunday morning?

The line is jovial as ever. We who attend this worship, find ourselves fattened by the chase. The gate opens at 5:45  a.m. exactly and it is only by the good nature of the folks, that there does not ensue, a riot. Such is our mutual anticipation.

Best, is when there is still a mighty line of vendor’s vans and trucks, waiting to drive into place. Best is when they are still driving in, an hour after we arrive. Fat men, with rotten stubs of cigar, or tired girlfriends, shivering in the truck. Cross teenagers, expected to help unload, mumbling insults at the buyers.

The variety and range of humanity is well represented here. A generous selection of world languages, a cross section of the socio-economic mix that defines most places within a couple of hours of a major urban hub. In other words, the place is humming with diversity. What could be healthier?

The truth is, the flea market is a good example of how ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.

ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny
English
Reportedly coined by zoologist Ernst Haeckel (1834-1919).
Proverb
(biology, social sciences, art, philosophy) The physical, cultural, moral, or intellectual development of each individual passes through stages similar to the developmental stages of that individual’s species, society, or civilization

The difference is, in our flea market world, we do not impose our own beliefs, judgements or expectations on each other. We don’t fight about what we disagree on. We simply get on with our own work and enjoy the day.

There are these dogs, or maybe it is a den of coyote, who always seem to speak at some length, early in the morning. They are slightly north of the Flea market venue, up the valley a bit, but their voices are very particular. It lends an air of disquiet to the chase.

In late summer, the Canada geese often pierce the air with their cries, flying in formation over the market, shitting on the merchandise and people alike. It is a wonderful sight.

As we pass through the gate, divesting ourselves of our twenties, we become predators for an hour or so. Pleasantries between us, suspended. There is no ill will, ‘though I may stalk a booth cannily, waiting for my competition to flag, peering, then pouncing upon some desired object.

The dim, cool morning’s exertions, a pleasantry compared to the grinding work of pick ups, once the sun has risen and the mist is burned off. The westward row, a palpable relief after the grueling, blinding slog eastward toward the sun.

But some days, the sunrise over the market is a most beautiful, heavenly temple. Clouds forming like the rood screen between the Apse and the Altar. Times like these, you know there is a creator spirit. I almost wonder, if we all stopped right there at the flea market, to pray like the faithful in temples, mosques and churches, would there be an end to war?

There is a kind of striding that sets the tone. The hot ticket dealers really move. No messing about, no small talk for that first hour. It is all business and luck and bloody minded focus and determination .
It is actually quite quiet, save for the dogs howling in the distance.

Brain fog is your enemy. My enemy. And also allergies.
It is also important on this one occasion to avoid liquids, so as to avoid the porta-potties. Later in the morning, iced tea or coffee is a practical necessity.(and they pump out the porta-potties at about 9:00)

Can I tell the story of when I was 8 months pregnant at Brimfield, with our first daughter? Needless to say, I waddled. Worst of all, I could barely close the door of the porta-potties.

I don’t think anyone realizes what hard work it is to cull objects of virtue from the swale of human detritus. Truly, imagine 3 or 4 hundred vendors of various goods. A tomato next to a snow thrower. A 1950’s permanent curl machine next to an 19th century copy of a painting by Lely. Or, even more perplexing, a bird feeder made from a single cowboy boot, with a bent license plate for a roof, next to a lovely Peruvian family selling pan pipes and CDs of their own music.

But that is just a taste! And a delicious and addictive taste it is too. Nothing gives greater pleasure than a morning spent careening around the field, over filling one’s eyes with the objects that will succeed us all. We pass one another on the rows, a bit greyer, a bit wrinklier, a bit more wizened, each season, and I am amazed that the leaning mirrors in booths, tell me the truth. That all this bliss, this crazy gypsy life that I love, is passing by just like the sand in the cheap chrome hour glass that I bought last week.

But what a life! Like the archaeologists of the future, we piece through the human condition. We hunt, we revel, we tear our hair. The best and the least bits of culture alike, are sifted and weighed. Incredibly, there is almost someone for everything. Every last broken plastic sprocket.

What a wonderful life! This heavenly and marvelously sustainable life of selling old stuff, to be used and loved again. Flogging the best and the worst. It is as it should be, a trove of possibility. A thrilling game, to find small pleasures.

In the not too distant future, I hope humanity will realize that we do not need to produce more stuff. There is already enough. We will simply need to shift the balance of stuff, so that everyone has enough and noone has too much.*  Stuff will need to be repaired, as needed. And stuff will be passed down from generation to generation as it always has. Crummy stuff will break beyond repair and then we will know it was never worthy stuff. We will not make more of that.

In a hundred years or so, it might be that folks will need some new stuff. Their old stuff may be worn out. Frayed with use. Or lost or stollen because it was so good.

When that happens, a whole new movement of crafts people will emerge. Making beautiful, hand made stuff. It will be wonderful and it will be particular because it will be a new style. A new time. The new things will be made because people actually need them.

Until then, please buy old stuff. It is better for the environment, better for your Karma, and usually better made and more beautiful. And it helps to support the working people who salvage the material manifestations of human creativity, to put back into the loop of human consumption.

The Flea Market. Upcycling at it’s most stylish. Recycling at it’s best!

*and here is an affectionate wink to George Carlin.

Posted in Observations, Worldly Things | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

The Bold Færeld

10363503_10204415752861766_1013229748382571189_n

 

Færeld~

fareld, færelt, es; n. [fær a going, faran to go] .I. a way, going, motion, journey, course, passage, progress, expedition, company, one who accompanies in the journey of life

My sweet Færeld, Even now, her scent lingers
memories touch upon the smallest place in my heart
disquiet replaces the peace

She has gone again a-journeying
brilliant and sparkling
and I am thrilled to know it

the twin fawns visited me
in the garden at dusk
just after she left

they felt my grief, my delight
their spots, in the evening light
helped me remember

The tears prick my eyes
gazing on a photo of her
sleeping on a table as a baby

Reaching far into my happiness
to pull some comfort over me
on this chilly night

I will dream the dreams
of Motherhood,
of this darling girl

there upon my knee
close upon my hip
wrapped safe by my heart

breathing in the same scent
from the soft hair upon her
dear baby head

holding tenderly that
prescient moment
that spark

This is the air
that Mothers live upon
the thin air of love

heady in it’s slender breath
sweet, green scented possibility
like fresh cut flowers’ stems

A deep draft of it
is what’s needed to brave the storm
to brave the separation

To revel in the marvelous
in spite of solitude
to deeply inhale

the dear baby’s scent
and to realize, with delight
the woman.

Make a bold Færeld my Love
journey safe, be well always
and follow your feet home again one day.

~DJR

Posted in Observations, Old English, Portraits | Tagged , , , , | Leave a comment

Carles Wǣn

IMG_1463

Old English
From carles (“peasant’s”) + wǣn (“wagon”).

Pronunciation
/ˈkarlez wæːn/
Noun
carles wǣn m

the Big Dipper; the Great Bear, Ursa Major Continue reading

Posted in Loquacity, Observations | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Solsticene

photo-86

In greenly thoughts of spring’s eventide overblowing.
Scintillation of sun, through shocking boughs laden,
evanescent betwixt yesterday and tomorrow.
The sun’s gauge shows that hot night, restless and pining
is even as pressed in upon us as the snows were
when the dalliance of a single tepid breath
upon the least cool morn was unthinkable.

Here in noisy glade, the road’s relentless cars
and trucks bounding beyond the hedgerow,
or hiding beneath the row covers
or panting sweaty, deep in hip deep meadow,
tidal waves of sharp shinned feather heckle and tease.
Feather and quip, feather and quip, feather and quip.

No more the quietude of winter’s grip,
nor the verisimilitude of ancient spring’s reprise.
Now upon shut lids, the crimson light peers in,
with warm insistance like the broad knife blade
slicing through peony stem or through the tense
shadowed musk of clustered iris leaves.

As morning harvest moves through mist and dew
to baffle memory yet again, by turns breaking fresh
then back again like shimmering desert,
crumbling soil replete with weed and thorn
as life’s own humor, blasphemed by bud and sprout.
The bud and sprout like fabled parable, ever leading
from half full cup to half full cup.

There beneath the mossy porch, a density of insects weave
a playful trap for morbid feasting
and we wait upon some unsung evening
to sample tender offerings in silent sweet acknowledgement
of our own omnivorous tendency.
Ah summer. Summer beams as wanton as a glistening
drop of blood upon the open wound of a half eaten berry.

Shackle us to the beast,
the steamy, untoward, lusty dark nights
and the shatteringly brisk heat of days.
Leave us to lose ourselves in reckless abandon.
Rakish and blithe like everything we ever meant to be.
Beam down upon us like the last gasp of a dying star.
Tether our desperate hearts to the outrageous languor,
the frisson of hot moonlight,
and the masala scented intentions of Summer.

~DJR

Posted in Loquacity, Observations, Worldly Things | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments